So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
did i just pee glitter
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
