Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
