I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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