i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize