The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
