Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
