M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
