I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
