if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
