The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
