i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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