Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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