i think my tv is drunk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
