wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
