I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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