My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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