Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
