I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
