I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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