Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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