ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
