i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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