I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
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