I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
