just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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