I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
