My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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