Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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