Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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