sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Vodka?
Forever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Randomize
