a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
