I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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