i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
this just has baby written all over it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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