arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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