Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize