im drinking this country out of the recession.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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