I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
