i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
