I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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