did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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