I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
