So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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