You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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