no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
