did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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