Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
