I think my fart just growled at me.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
