I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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