Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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