note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I will be naked everywhere
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
