My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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