Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
