I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
