threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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