My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
