Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
