Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
