i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She bit a glass in half.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
