I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
