I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
