Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
