Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
